Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
