She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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