I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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