Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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