Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
