I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize