vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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