On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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