are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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