Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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