I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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