I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
