Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
