I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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