Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
