Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize