Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
