Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
