Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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