remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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