I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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