i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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