I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
