I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
