I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
