im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
