I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize