Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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