i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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