I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
