Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
