The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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