i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
