I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize