I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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