apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
