K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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