Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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