he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
