i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
