Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
