I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
