i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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