I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
