I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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