there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
