phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
