I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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