Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
