Please, let me fuck your mom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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