Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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