i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize