we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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