i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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