clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
