She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
