you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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