Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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