his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
