I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
