Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
