Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize