I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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