so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
