finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
