U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
