why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
