There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
