I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
