The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
