I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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