You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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