I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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