no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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